Do you know that feeling of hearing a song for the first time and knowing it’s going to be one of your favorite songs of all time? When I first heard “Sun Bleached Flies” by Ethel Cain, I was left completely speechless. As soon as the song ended, I immediately pressed restart and listened to it again. And then again. Considering the song is just under eight minutes long, that’s really saying something. The way this song ties in religious imagery, themes of queer isolation, and the feeling of longing for someone and something you can never get back is unreal. This song is from the 2022 album Preacher’s Daughter, which tells the story of a fictional teenage girl named Ethel Cain as she runs away from her deeply religious family and rural town, meets an abusive lover, and ends up being murdered by him. Now, I know that sounds dark, but this story is truly incredible. It is based heavily on the artist’s real-life experience, and the authenticity shines through the entire work. “Sun Bleached Flies” is without a doubt one of the best songs I’ve ever heard, and below I’ll dive deeper into the lyrics and the meaning of the song. Keep in mind that there are many different ways to interpret this song, especially in the context of the concept album as a whole, but this is what this song means to me.
(Preacher's Daughter album cover from Spotify)
“Sun-bleached flies sitting in the windowsill
Waiting for the day they escape
They talk all about their money and how their babies are always changing
While they're breathing in the poison of the paint”
To me, the “sun-bleached flies” represent the adults in the town where Ethel lived and grew up. These people talk about surface-level things like their money and their children, and they don’t even realize that they’re trapped. They are not just flies trapped in the windowsill, but “sun-bleached” flies, which implies that they have been stuck there for a long time. While they have these superficial conversations about the same old things, they don’t even realize they’re “breathing in the poison of the paint,” which is the toxicity of this small town where they’ve lived their entire lives and will eventually die. I also like to think the line about how “their babies are always changing” is Ethel commenting on how these people don’t understand why their kids might want more than that life. This could also mean the “babies,” or their children, are also being poisoned because they’re trapped with them. All of these people are “waiting for the day they escape,” but Ethel knows that they never will.
“What I wouldn't give to be in church this Sunday
Listening to the choir so heartfelt, all singing
"God loves you, but not enough to save you"
So, baby girl, good luck taking care of yourself”
Even though Ethel grew up resenting the church and everything religion stood for in her life, she still finds herself longing for the comfort it provided. Even in this daydream of her remembering how nice church was sometimes, the beautiful choir of voices still sings something completely backhanded and isolating. She admits that the choir was “heartfelt” while singing that God loves her, but “not enough to save [her.]” More context that can be added to this line is that Ethel is trans, which to me makes this gut punch of a line hurt twice as deeply. She ends this thought by remembering that she has always had to take care of her own problems and that even back when she had the comfort of the church, it was never enough to really make her feel any better. I also like how Ethel is called "baby girl" when told that she has to take care of herself because it has the same condescending and backhanded tone as the line before. It fits right in with the theme of Christian hate and bigotry being disguised as love as Ethel is told in the sweetest way possible that she is undeserving of the church's love and protection.
“So I said fine, 'cause that's how my daddy raised me
If they strike once, then you just hit 'em twice as hard
But in the end, if I bend under the weight that they gave me
Then this heart would break and fall as twice as far”
When Ethel felt abandoned by the church in her past and feels alone again now, she says “fine, ‘cause that’s how my daddy raised me.” This verse reveals a lot about the character of Ethel’s father, the preacher, who one might assume is a virtuous and loving person considering him being a leader of the church, but it is clear that he is not that. Instead of learning about unconditional love or giving to others, what Ethel learned from her father was that “if they strike once, then you just hit ‘em twice as hard.” This gives us as the listener more insight into Ethel’s relationship with religion as a result of the kind of person her father was. We can gather that if this was the kind of person her father was, and if he as the preacher was the head of the church in their town, we can only imagine how other members of the church treated Ethel and each other. She adds that if this fight that she’s taking on ends up being too much of a burden for her to carry, then she will fall “as twice as far,” or even further than these hateful people, like her father, that she talks about.
“We all know how it goes
The more it hurts, the less it shows
But I still feel like they all know
And that's why I could never go back home”
Ethel feels that usually, when things are at their worst it might seem that they’re bothering a person the least. Maybe in her life in the past, she seemed the most okay when she was the most numb to the pain she was experiencing. Despite feeling like she doesn’t let the pain she feels on the inside show on the outside, she is still afraid to return home after she leaves because she thinks everyone will be able to tell she “failed.” She was the one person who really left her town – the town that she told us in the beginning of the song that no one escapes from – and now if she returns, everyone will know she was never really strong enough to make it out. She would rather be completely alone and in pain than let the people from her past get the satisfaction of knowing she wants to come home. When she sings this line, though, it doesn’t sound tough or gritty, like she’s sticking through it to prove that she can – instead, it feels helpless, like she has completely run out of options, and “home” is a place she can no longer return to.
“And I spend my life
Watching it go by from the sidelines
And God, I've tried
But I think it's about time I put up a fight”
Ethel feels like a spectator to her own life, as if she is just watching things happen to herself and she has no control over them. When she says “God, I’ve tried,” I like to interpret it both as her using “God” as an exasperated exclamation and also as her pleading directly with God. She explains that she has tried, but that just trying isn’t working anymore. She has no other choice but to put up a fight, which is much more direct and purposeful than simply “trying.”
“But I don't mind 'cause that's how my daddy raised me (how my daddy raised me)
If they strike once, then you just hit 'em twice as hard (hit 'em twice as hard)
But I always knew that in the end, no one was coming to save me
So I just prayed, and I keep praying and praying and praying”
Ethel once again juxtaposes the feelings of complete and utter helplessness expressed before whichis the idea that she doesn’t really mind because her father raised her to expect nothing less. Even though she is struggling so intensely, the struggle and the “fight” is all she knows. The feeling she so casually reveals in the next line completely devastated me, that she always understood “that in the end, no one was coming to save [her],” so she just kept praying. She kept on praying, because what else was there for her to do?
“If it's meant to be then it will be (oh, oh)
So I met him there and told him I believe (oh, oh)
Singing, "If it's meant to be then it will be" (it'll be)
I forgive it all as it comes back to me (back to me, oh)”
The way the church choir joins Ethel to sing these lines makes me feel like I’m ascending into the sun. Even though Ethel knows deep down that “no one is coming to save [her],” she just prays and decides that what’s meant to be will be. If there is a God, if there isn’t, she can’t control any of it. She feels that she might as well believe, even if she doesn’t truly mean it. She might as well forgive everyone and everything for all of the terrible things she has experienced, because what’s the point of not doing so? It is especially moving how she sings along with the church choir as she repeats these verses over and over as if she’s finally giving in, not because she agrees with them, but because she doesn’t see a benefit in fighting it anymore. She has no one left to turn to, so she might as well sing along because “if it’s meant to be, then it will be.”
If it's meant to be then it will be (oh, it will be, yeah)
So I met him there and told him I believe (I believe, yeah)
Singing, "If it's meant to be then it will be" (oh)
I forgive it all as it comes back to me (it all comes back to me)
If it's meant to be then it will be (it will be, it will be, it will be)
So I met him there and told him I believe (I believe, yeah)
Singing, "If it's meant to be then it will be" (yeah)
And I forgive it all as it comes back to me (oh)”
And I’m still waiting for that house in Nebraska,
By the highway, out on the edge of town
Dancing with the windows open
I can’t let go when something’s broken
It’s all I know, and it’s all I want now.”
“A House in Nebraska” is a song that comes much earlier in the story of the Preacher’s Daughter album that describes a former romantic interest of Ethel’s and how the two of them would meet up in an abandoned house to be alone together. She romanticized a life for them, imagining that the abandoned house was in Nebraska and that they lived there together. She pictures that house again and acknowledges that by wanting this, she is continuing the pattern of turning to a romantic partner to fix her life when she feels like she can’t fix herself. Even though that cycle of behavior is toxic or “broken,” it’s all she knows. She knows it won’t solve her problems, but she doesn’t know any other way. “It’s all [she] knows, and it’s all [she] wants now.”
I hope this deep dive into the lyrics of “Sun Bleached Flies” by Ethel Cain encourages some of you to check out this song and some of her other music. I love songs that transport me into the heart and feelings of a character or the singer, and Ethel Cain’s music does just that. She has such a unique style and sound that is incredibly moving to hear. I think she is only going to get bigger as an artist and I can’t wait to listen to what she puts out next.
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